human/ pig flu update

People in a high risk category for getting H1N1; otherwise known as People Pig Flu, should get a vaccination . Especially pregnant women. Unfortunately, there are huge line-ups and some shortages of the swine flu vaccine at this time. In the meantime , it has been advised by the health department that

people who don't want to waste their god-damned precious time on a futile search for the elixir of life known as the swine-flu vaccine, should instead try boosting their own immune system by using some time- tried old standards such as :

• Licking door-handles.
• Licking toilet -seat covers ( Public rest-room even better).
• Licking pig balls ( also works for any animal, including human).
• Licking your own balls ( not suggested for women but licking their partner's balls should also do the trick).

General cleanliness is also advised and good hand washing practices should be applied. Always wash hands after going for a piss, a shit, sleeping with a prostitute, or, sleeping with a John ( or Henry , name not really important).

If your symptoms include:

• Cough
• General feeling of Malaise
• Abdominal pain
• Muscle pain
• Swollen lymph nodes
• Coughing up of blood
• Coughing up of your balls
• Severe headache
• Fever so high, skin is hot to the touch
• the Shits
• Nausea
• Projectile vomiting
• the Chills
• Shortness of breath ( and you are not at a dirty movie theatre)
• Frothy or bloody sputum
• Limbs susceptible to dropping off your body

If you have any or all of these symptoms, do not be coming directly to your nearest flu clinic for a flu shot. You do not have the flu, you have bubonic plague and should not be wasting your local flu clinic's valuable time.