10 years of catholic condom use saves world

quaker invents tongue piercing

In December 1656, Quaker James Naylor, grew tired of his drab puritan life-style and decided to, as James himself said, " Jazz things up a bit.."


Maybe it had something to do with the appraching festive season and as a Puritan feeling excluded from the fun or maybe he was tired of being mocked for wearing a puritan uniform You know the uniform of which I speak, the plain black pants, tucked into white leggings, black shoes with buckles , a black linen coat , topped- off by an austere , plain black hat, similar to a cowboy hat except it looked sillier.

Oliver Cromwell , Lord Protector ( meaning Lord protect us from Oliver Cromwell) was the leader for this time period and Oliver , for the sake of the nation had to deport the Puritans because no one could get any work done because people were laughing so hard at them. Mind you , the rest of the country who weren't Puritans took the sting out of their daily grind by dressing to the other extreme meaning they were a bunch of fancy pants. This of course led to many wars; the 1st English Civil War, the 2nd English Civil War & the 3rd English Civil War.

It was in this time period of history that brave James Naylor decided to accessorize his tongue. It was a brilliant idea of course because the puncture would be hidden in his mouth and although he was by trade a preacher , he figured that English people mumble any way so career- wise it was no great loss. Conveniently, the red hot iron poker had been specially modified for the sole -purpose of creating the hole- in- tongue by the good folks over in the Tower of London which was a stones throw away from where James lived anyway.

James was taking a huge risk because the reason he wanted a hole in his mouth was so he could put in a tongue ring. Wearing a ring anywhere on his body was frowned upon by fellow Puritans so he took the risk of being shunned by his fellow travellers. Again , really, thought James, " no great loss. "

Like my friend Kevin Shute said, " I bet that hurt like hell!!!"

I bet it did too, but again if you're the Geek of the Renaissance your used to great pain anyway. just getting up every day and putting on that stupid outfit day would be torture enough for most people; not to mention being mocked, and crowds trying to stone you to death at every turn! Again, no great loss...

murphy's law day

I often wonder to myself How did our March 13th public Holiday in Hatrack originate? Was it just an excuse to give winter weary Hatracks a day off winter commuting? Or was it to to commemorate the birth of Neil Sedaka, American singer and songwriter, who was born on March 13, 1939. And also, why was it called Murphy's Law Day?

It is not a well-known fact but it was actually invented to commemorate The birth of Russell Beakhouse, who as well as being well respected as a husband , father and landscaper to the Queen he also had the misfortune and bad luck to utter the words, That's Murphy's Law more times than any body else in the entire history of Hatrack.

The reason he held the record for utterances of that phrase were due in part because he had no clue how to use the phrase in its correct form. An example of that error was in the year 1962
when as a 2 year old he was playing with a pair of scissors and did himself an injury to his foreskin and subsequently became the first person in the Beakhouse family ever to be circumcised, uttering those famous words, " That's Murphy's Law Mummy!" Auuughhhh!!!!!

Then there was the time as a young boy in school Russ was asked by the kinder- garden teacher why he was putting a little girl's head in the toilet bowl of the boys bathroom, he replied ,
"That's Murphy's Law Miss Henderson!!!!"

Then a few years later as an adolescent trying to smuggle liquor into the school dance that had an off -duty police-officer checking bags for booze, pot and narcotics. Then just as his head was being forced to the gym floor Russ was heard to comment from beneath a heavy boot , " How did that get there officer? Why, Murphy's Law of course!!"

Another famous incident was when Russ was asked by the Minister during his wedding ceremony with Mindy the age old question , " Why do you have your pants on back - to - front? Russell?" " Murphy's Law Minister ? " replied Russell , sheepishly.

Scroll forward a few years to June 2nd , 1998 , his poor wife Mindy having endured 27 hours of excruciating labour pains , all by herself and then just as their daughter comes down the chute Russ arrives just in time to witness the birth of their daughter, Sarah. Mindy screams at him with all the strength she has left. the question, "Where were you Russell?" and Russ replies with a big stupid grin on his face , " Murphy's Law, Mindy!"

Then, finally, the Nova Scotia Legislature is trying to come up with an idea for a public holiday in winter, apart from Christmas or New Years to bring us up to par with the rest of the country. Russ happens to be doing the Premier's Lawn . Premier Darrell asks Russ why he hadn't put the rose -bush where it was supposed to have gone and Russ replies, " Murphy's Law Mr Premier!"

"That's it Russ !" said the Premier "That was pure genius ! We'll have a holiday called Murphy's Law Day. Hmm, when's your birthday Russ?" "March 13th, Premier Darrell", said Russ proudly ...

And that is how the public holiday known as Murphy's Law Day was invented and we have Russell to thank for it. And all Hatracks should be grateful to Russ for a public holiday falling on March 13th for all eternity.

bleeding hell

I always thought that the word bleeding is a mild swear-word in the UK but just a word meaning " to bleed, " pretty much every where else...

So, I thought it would be fun to use the word a lot in my book, maybe just to pepper up the language but also just for the fun , an

even more dangerous than a sling-shot

... so there I was sitting on a park bench on Cunard St trying to get my yack-tracks on. It was a little awkward getting them on but I thought it would be nice to have a little traction and, although it was February it was a mild day meaning the snow banks would be melting slightly leaving a crispy sheen on the sidewalks making it scenic to look at but easy to fall on your bum.

I always have trouble coordinating getting my left tracks on, maybe because I'm right handed I'm guessing because I have no trouble getting the right one on. So, I had the right one on no problems but the left one took 3 attempts and I was actually working up a sweat with the effort as it was like working out with tiny rubber chest- expander's. The third try I was successful but I looked at it expectantly as though it would fail. But it held so I resumed my walk. As my friend Kevin Shute at work said , " I was walking with a loaded spring of death attached to my boot!!! "

I was walking along quite fast , I wasn't in a hurry but I enjoyed the thrill of passing lesser- footed mortals in my wake. I was heading down quite a steep incline, known to Haligonian's as a steep hill!! Sure enough, I was rounding a bend, just as a bus was passing. The bus driver may have been slowing down as we were simultaneously passing a bus-stop. He saw I wasn't getting on his bus and started to pull away . To my right was a kid throwing snowballs just off the path
and he threw a snow-ball at the bus and he shot off a great shot that hit the window with a thump. The bus driver stopped to give the boy a lecture and for some reason, maybe my toe was tingling with anticipation but at that very moment my yack- tracks over-shoe shot off my left boot and like a sling- shot, my overshoe struck the rear window of the bus and shattered the glass with a tremendous crash.

I observed the look of horror on the boy's face with some glee I'm ashamed to say, and I kept walking past the bus without bothering to reclaim my over-shoe and hoped the red-faced bus driver also did not notice I only had one shoe-track on my feet instead of the usual two!!

The Book of Hatrack

I am going to be doing a big project over the next few months. I've been 'not ' writing a children's book on and off for about 20 years. I've decided to put on a determined effort to get this done. I had the idea I would post something very short on this blog stating, expect no posts for the next 6 months , working on the great Canadian novel. But then I thought why not incorporate this project into my blog .

So, I will start with an overall plan for what the book is in its entirety and then outlines for each chapter, along the way. And the occasional snippet or sample of the novel itself!

Steve

outline for The book of Hatrack

The book starts with a prologue, perhaps 5 chapters, laying out the origins of Hatrack. It starts in the 1600s. I chose that time period not so much because I had any great interest in the 17th Century but because that time period was the hayday of piracy. So long as pirate ships avoided fortified towns and didn't show their true colours until they were certain of victory then it's easy to understand why these were heady times for pirates. That's quite an easy way to make a living if you can pick your battles. It's no wonder why so many men (and some women) chose that type of life.

I've toyed with the idea of Nfld being Hatrack, as they have a long and famous history of piracy.

Also Haiti ( Hispaneol) is an obvious alternative. Hispaneol is already in the book. It would be hard to write about about piracy in the Caribean without mentioning it.

I get stuck on how to get to Hatrack as it's cut off from the modern world and can't spend their vast wealth in treasure. I , of course though of the standard pirate curse BUT that is such an over- used ploy I decided against it...

Hatrack is basically my version of Halifax NS the way I would imagine it to be in the 17th Century. Although it hadn't been founded yet ( that didn't happen until the 18th C ) there were ships of all kinds, all along the eastern seaboard, and although there were no docks in place it would be easy for a ship to dock in Halifax Harbour and row a ships crew ashore. So, its not a big stretch of the imagination to imagine pirates in Halifax at that time.

I was interested to learn that pirate ships were very democratic places . They didn't need to much of an excuse to kill someone but the world itself at that time was a very cruel place. There were terrible working conditions for most people and no such things as workers rights. So the lure of piracy would be very strong . Also, the pirates crew would split their booty ( no I don't mean bum) fairly amongst the crew according to rank or station, the captain of course getting the lions share. But even the lowliest crew member, whether he be a cook , musician or cabin boy would get a share far more attractive, comparable to what he'd earn as a cook , musician or cabin boy on a merchant ship or the Royal Navy.

My book deals with modern times but the pirates are stuck in the mythical island of Hatrack. They have hoards of money but have the frustraion of not being able to spend any of their ill -gotten gains because there is no way out! So, their society is what I would term a post- piratic society. They are no longer pirates of course because they have no ships but in some ways they have kept their pirate ways. School of course would be very scary because mis-behaviour would be rewarded. It would be a tough job being a teacher. This post-piratic society would be dangerous in all kinds of different ways. There would be no gentlemanly way of settling a score. Duels would be a very common occurence in Hatrack. Also, things like job- safety would be regarded as a very sissy practice so don't expect job safety in Hatrack!!!

I've given a lot of thought about what kind of vehicles they would have in Hatrack. Or would they be still stuck in horse age? I always liked the idea of golf-carts being the main mode of transport.

Maybe , while its impossible to squeeze into Hatrack a full sized car they do have success getting a golf cart.

poster boy

Well, this is going to be a very revealing blog post today.

I am currently awaiting my fate on 2 things . The first being awaiting the result of a blood test, the other being awaiting my fate by Revenue Canada. Ooh, I know, both topics give

tragic accident avoided with aid from 'meat' grinder

There was an interesting headline in my home-town newspaper recently that grabbed my attention. " Trapped penis cut free by grinder," Daily Echo,Thursday, January 10th ,2010, Southampton , England. Story by Matt Smith. I must not be the only one who never grew up as it was the most popular story of the day (on website the next day I see it's still the #1 story). I'm going to quote directly from the Daily Echo here:

A MAN who got his genitalia stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by eight firefighters using an industrial grinder.
The heavy duty cutting gear had to be used to remove the three-inch long hollow pipe after medics were unable to release it.
The painstaking operation, which involved eight firefighters, took around an hour.
The drama began after the man took himself to the accident and emergency department of Southampton General Hospital.

I can only imagine what an interesting drive to the hospital that must have been for the poor soul. Also hope he has a car and didn't have to walk or get the bus to the hospital.

The story continues: ( I'd normally paraphrase here the rest of the story, but the story is funny with no need of help from me).

Restricted blood flow had left the man in a state of arousal, and unable to remove the pipe.
Staff there were so concerned that they phoned the emergency services and a crew from Redbridge Fire Station were initially dispatched.
But they had to bring in backup from St Mary’s station which has a fire truck equipped with specialist cutting gear.
A disc gutter cutter, with a four-and-a-half-inch blade, was used to slice open the stainless steel pipe.

I must say, the real hero in this story is the man who bravely wielded the cutter so close to his patients pride and joy. He did the task assigned with skill and aplomb , with-out refusing through fear of a law-suit if he bungled and carved the turkey a little closer to the bone than he'd intended... "Oops, sorry Sir. If I hadn't been laughing so much you'd still have your man- hood intact!!! "

The story concludes happily you'll be pleased to learn:

The man, in his 30s, offered no explanation for his predicament but was said to be “quite concerned and anxious”. He had been given an anaesthetic to prepare for the procedure.
St Mary’s crew manager Adrian Johnson said: “It was a very delicate operation. We did not want anything heating up.
The person who did it deserves a commendation for his nerve and steady hand.”
Meanwhile, watch manager Greg Garrett from Redbridge station added: “I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.”
The man’s private parts were left bruised and swollen.

So, the man walked away with his pride hurt but , as my friend Kevin Shute at work said, "At least he didn't go home with his testicles and penis in a paper bag! "

So, children, today's question is for my male readers, " Have you ever slung your hook in an embarrassing (or painful) place.? " Most men are private about these things ( and rightly so) . I personally have had no more than a dozen such occurrences in my life-time. Hmm, there was the time I schlepped it into a garburator instead of the sink hole.. Um, hmm, let me think. Oh yes, there was the time I schlepped it into my restored 1963 Chevy Corvair exhaust pipe.. Oh God how I loved that car!

hmm let me see. This will be the last one because I don't want to be wrongly accused of being desperate and can't find a girl-friend. Oh yes, there was the 'incident' where I met a transvestite in a bar and I was too drunk to notice that he/she had an Adam's apple.

Here's some wisdom I can share with you. This would be more valuable Here's some words of advice my poor dear departed father passed down to me.

Be wary of where you sling your hook dear son. And also , be especially wary of women with Adam's apples.

Good advice. I get teary eyed thinking about what sage advice he gave me. And now I can pass that advice to men everywhere.