Bulk Condolence Cards by Steve Beakhouse

I once boarded with a woman who was into that special time of life known as "I'm so old , everyone I know is dying."

She was an organized old lady who would organize her funerals by using a Blackberry. She bought condolence cards in bulk. She had a special condolence card desk where she organise her upcoming funerals. She would then print address labels of the deceased, using a special address- labeler. Then, using a special stamp- machine which she rented from the Post Office, she would affix the stamp to the envelope, painstakingly using her arthritic hands. Then she would toss the completed card into the out- basket. She would bundle cards using elastic bands and ask me to drop off bundle in post box, across the street, on my way to work.

The day of a typical funeral, which often ran to 2 or 3 a week, she would drag her 83 year old body out of bed at 5:00am , get showered. Get out of shower at 5:30 am. Get robe on and have breakfast at 6 am. Start getting dressed at 7am. Finish getting 83 year old body into her best Sunday and funeral dress by 8 am. Get makeup on and comb hair by 9am. Get 1920's jewellery on by by 9am. Get hat on head, complete with hatpin attaching head to hair, by 10am. Get shoes on complete with laces and struggling poor bunion covered feet into shoes with extra long shoe horn by 10:30 am. Have short nap so as to be fresh as a daisy for funeral which starts at 11am. Wake up from nap at 2pm. Shout, "Why the bloody hell didn't you wake me up?" Have lunch until 3pm, go to bed at 6 pm then wake up at 5:30am and repeat the cycle all over again.