human/ pig flu update

People in a high risk category for getting H1N1; otherwise known as People Pig Flu, should get a vaccination . Especially pregnant women. Unfortunately, there are huge line-ups and some shortages of the swine flu vaccine at this time. In the meantime , it has been advised by the health department that

people who don't want to waste their god-damned precious time on a futile search for the elixir of life known as the swine-flu vaccine, should instead try boosting their own immune system by using some time- tried old standards such as :

• Licking door-handles.
• Licking toilet -seat covers ( Public rest-room even better).
• Licking pig balls ( also works for any animal, including human).
• Licking your own balls ( not suggested for women but licking their partner's balls should also do the trick).

General cleanliness is also advised and good hand washing practices should be applied. Always wash hands after going for a piss, a shit, sleeping with a prostitute, or, sleeping with a John ( or Henry , name not really important).

If your symptoms include:

• Cough
• General feeling of Malaise
• Abdominal pain
• Muscle pain
• Swollen lymph nodes
• Coughing up of blood
• Coughing up of your balls
• Severe headache
• Fever so high, skin is hot to the touch
• the Shits
• Nausea
• Projectile vomiting
• the Chills
• Shortness of breath ( and you are not at a dirty movie theatre)
• Frothy or bloody sputum
• Limbs susceptible to dropping off your body

If you have any or all of these symptoms, do not be coming directly to your nearest flu clinic for a flu shot. You do not have the flu, you have bubonic plague and should not be wasting your local flu clinic's valuable time.

Sex-change -too much government red tape

Come on. Be honest with yourself. Think very hard and truthfully about
this question . Did you ever think that you were a man/ woman / dog/
cat/ dolphin trapped in a man/woman/dog/ dolphin's body? But the
mountain of paper work involved in getting a sex-change was just too
daunting to contemplate. I have! And I know if you're truthful with
yourself, you'd say the same thing.

I can put up with the humiliation of explaining to my Mother that maybe
her being the strong parent didn't work out so good. I can put up with
having my testicles chopped off and my penis turned into a vagina but I
cannot deal with the Government bureaucracy involved in becoming a lady
instead of a lad.

Think about it for a moment. There must be a form for having your
testicles removed. As if re-arranging my testicles as though they were a flower arrangement weren't bad enough !

Then my Birth cert would have to be changed; also requiring the necessary government form ac/127#***4... filled in , in triplicate. Said form would have to be sent to the butcher who did the surgery, the Province or State I am now residing, and to the federal government would need to
know.

Taxes too would be complicated. Hmmm, I wonder whether that operation ,
which wasn't covered by MSI or Government insurance, would be taxable...
Mental note to self, do not forget to get an official receipt...

Nah, I'd rather keep my balls , and forget my transgender issues until I
can afford a good lawyer!

Mind you, it does give the concept of Organ Donor-ship a whole new meaning on your Driver's licence.

Bulk Condolence Cards by Steve Beakhouse

I once boarded with a woman who was into that special time of life known as "I'm so old , everyone I know is dying."

She was an organized old lady who would organize her funerals by using a Blackberry. She bought condolence cards in bulk. She had a special condolence card desk where she organise her upcoming funerals. She would then print address labels of the deceased, using a special address- labeler. Then, using a special stamp- machine which she rented from the Post Office, she would affix the stamp to the envelope, painstakingly using her arthritic hands. Then she would toss the completed card into the out- basket. She would bundle cards using elastic bands and ask me to drop off bundle in post box, across the street, on my way to work.

The day of a typical funeral, which often ran to 2 or 3 a week, she would drag her 83 year old body out of bed at 5:00am , get showered. Get out of shower at 5:30 am. Get robe on and have breakfast at 6 am. Start getting dressed at 7am. Finish getting 83 year old body into her best Sunday and funeral dress by 8 am. Get makeup on and comb hair by 9am. Get 1920's jewellery on by by 9am. Get hat on head, complete with hatpin attaching head to hair, by 10am. Get shoes on complete with laces and struggling poor bunion covered feet into shoes with extra long shoe horn by 10:30 am. Have short nap so as to be fresh as a daisy for funeral which starts at 11am. Wake up from nap at 2pm. Shout, "Why the bloody hell didn't you wake me up?" Have lunch until 3pm, go to bed at 6 pm then wake up at 5:30am and repeat the cycle all over again.