Fairness, justice and democracy, are breaking out every where. Wars are ending. NZ beat France 8-7 to win the Rugby Work Cup. Manchester City beat Manchester United in the Manchester soccer derby by 6-1. Dictators are dying off faster than in WW2. Evil Bin Laden is dead. Barack Obama , the first African -American President of the United States is alive and kicking and still in power. China is , well, uuhhmm , apparently is a very nice place to visit and it has this incredible long wall that crosses a continent that can be seen from space. China, lets face it, was the only country on the blue planet to have the balls to introduce a one child policy, and that , if other countries would do the same that one action alone would truly save the planet...And I am a hypocrite for saying that as I have 3 kids . But in my defense, I took the necessary steps and am now a proud eunuch!
And Halifax Shipyards wins 25 billion dollar shipping contract. Halifax Wins Something. And I know it is really the Irving owned Halifax Shipyards that I boycotted so long ago I can't even remember why, and I once ran out of gas right by an Irving station. I picked up my jerry-can out of my trunk and proceeded to walk to the next non-Irving gas station 5 miles down the road. I got my gas , walked 5 miles back to my car, filled it from the can and then carried on my merry way. And I still can't remember why I hated the Irving's so much I would do anything to avoid doing business with them . Maybe its because they had more toys than me. Or maybe it was because Irving the elder , otherwise known by his alias name of KC Irving before passing away in 1992 was living in tax-exile in Bermuda. After that time, following their fathers example, his 3 sons, JK , Arthur and Jack Irving are living tax free in Bermuda. But it is time to put old jealousy's to the sword. Our Premier, kind of like a
Governor , said this was equal to winning the Olympics every year for 30 years , or was that the Lottery every year for 30 years, I forget. The point is , I don't know why but I did , kinda feel like I'd won the lottery when it was announced that we had won the contract. And I don't say Irving owned Halifax Shipyards won the contract. Halifax won the contract! I won the contract because I am sure some of that dough will rub off on me. Do you remember President Ronald Reagan's trickle down economic theory. I'm sure the same thing will happen with this contract. In fact just a little trickle would be fine by me.
And if those events aren't seismic enough for you, I arose at 4am this morning for no particular reason other than to see what 4am looks like . It looks groggy and I feel sleep deprived and I feel like taking a nap. But I will struggle with all my might to not take a nap and I will stay awake 'til 9pm tonight until I go to bed. I will let you know if I survive.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
man gets new song stuck in head
Do you ever have a piece of music stuck in your head and you can't even identify it? Well, that did happen to me personally. Its even worse if the song is nonsense, makes no sense at all and not even any good. So, I went and got a new song to get stuck in my head but this time I chose a good song. I chose , " Da Do Ron Ron ," by the Crytals (1963). The song was produced by Phil Spector and co-written by Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich. And that is enough credit to those people as this is a humour site after all.There is evil intent here of course as I hope to ; not only banish the bad song and refresh with the new good song for myself, I also intend on planting the seed so that all who view the lyrics, even without the music will somehow have this song stuck in your head.
So here it is in its entirety, the lyrics of the song,Da Do Ron Ron by the illustrious and celebrated , The Crystals:Without further delay, here it is: and without further ado and without any further nonsense and waffling about how for instance does a person get a song stuck in their head ? Is it collectively or does this happen on an individual basis? Could it be for example Psychosis or Osmosis , or even Thrombosis, this so- called getting of getting a song stuck in our heads. I have begged the question and am in need of an answer. So, with no further delay about whether the sun is shining or is it a rainy day, here is Da Do Ron Ron:
Ha ha , my evil plan worked!!!
So here it is in its entirety, the lyrics of the song,Da Do Ron Ron by the illustrious and celebrated , The Crystals:Without further delay, here it is: and without further ado and without any further nonsense and waffling about how for instance does a person get a song stuck in their head ? Is it collectively or does this happen on an individual basis? Could it be for example Psychosis or Osmosis , or even Thrombosis, this so- called getting of getting a song stuck in our heads. I have begged the question and am in need of an answer. So, with no further delay about whether the sun is shining or is it a rainy day, here is Da Do Ron Ron:
" I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
Somebody told me that his name was Bill
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
Yeah, my heart stood still
Yes, his name was Bill
And when he walked me home
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
I knew what he was doing when he caught my eye
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
He looked so quiet but my oh my
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
Yeah, he caught my eye
Yes, oh my, oh my
And when he walked me home
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
He picked me up at seven and he looked so fine
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
Someday soon I'm gonna make him mine
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron
Yeah, he looked so fine,
Yes, I'll make him mine
And when he walked me home
Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron "
Ha ha , my evil plan worked!!!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
commie plot
I may be a little paranoid but in my last post I was trashing and mocking Stalin. It was quite a long post and every time I published it, something kept going wrong . It was probably just some kind of electronic thing such as it was raining or maybe because I both sneezed and dropped my coffee just as I hit publish. But , when I viewed my handy-work all the bad things I was saying about Stalin ( meaning the latter half of my entry ) CAME OUT IN GIANT LETTERS. And even bigger than that; I mean giant letters that took pages and pages to read and made it un-readable. Even when I went to extreme lengths to try and fix it the giant letters would not go away. I think it was the first time I ever re-wrote what I had written out by hand. So, I am going to try that again. If I am not successful this time I am really going to wonder. Here it is again:
6 things you might not know about Stalin:
1. Stalin was proud of the fact that his mustache- ode'd fatherly image that he projected to his nation was
way better than Hitler's.
2. Stalin's ( and Hitler's ) erectile- dysfunction was the real reason for WW2 . And Stalin's erectile - dysfunction took sole credit for the Korean Conflict ( a polite way of saying war ).
3. Stalin used to enjoy spending time at his dacha where he used to enjoy plotting against his enemies, while
drinking Vodka Coolers.
4. Stalin had a pet poodle that he named Winston. It was the toy -poodle variety. He taught the dog tricks such as how to beg for pieces of post-war Europe . Winston used to enjoy sleeping with his master . The Kremlin -staff used to joke that Stalin and Winston made strange bedfellows.
5. Stalin threw like a girl.
6. Stalin used to boast that he never had to use the phrase , Do you know who I am?
6 things you might not know about Stalin:
1. Stalin was proud of the fact that his mustache- ode'd fatherly image that he projected to his nation was
way better than Hitler's.
2. Stalin's ( and Hitler's ) erectile- dysfunction was the real reason for WW2 . And Stalin's erectile - dysfunction took sole credit for the Korean Conflict ( a polite way of saying war ).
3. Stalin used to enjoy spending time at his dacha where he used to enjoy plotting against his enemies, while
drinking Vodka Coolers.
4. Stalin had a pet poodle that he named Winston. It was the toy -poodle variety. He taught the dog tricks such as how to beg for pieces of post-war Europe . Winston used to enjoy sleeping with his master . The Kremlin -staff used to joke that Stalin and Winston made strange bedfellows.
5. Stalin threw like a girl.
6. Stalin used to boast that he never had to use the phrase , Do you know who I am?
Sunday, October 9, 2011
daily devotion to the master
Well it is October after all, the harvest is in, the kids are just weeks away from trick -or - treating. We are all as stuffed as a goose at Thanksgiving (because it is Thanksgiving, Dumb Ass)! We all give our daily devotions of thanks to Him but I think at this time of year it's a good idea I believe to be really thankful to Him at harvest time because without His bountiful harvest, there would be no life. It is time to give credit where it is due. It is time to give thanks to the man who made it all possible: Stalin!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
How ae you doing recently?
I received a spam the other day ; not the canned-meat variety I'm afraid but but the useless type of spam known as spam e-mail, and the spam-email started with the introduction, " How are you doing recently? " And then it went on to pronounce the quality of some new drug or other or a cure for baldness or erection dysfunction, or worse , malfunction. I was tempted to delete it right away but before I did I wondered where the e-mail from? I was thinking a former Soviet republic or maybe Asia or maybe the continent of Africa. It doesn't matter. I did hit delete but it never totally went away. Every time I send an e-mail on my Hotmail account, that same spam comes up and I have to delete every single time. It used to annoy me but it is now part of the furniture; it is a fixed and permanent thing. And like my friend Kevin Shute used to say, A person can get used to anything!
That phrase is so ingrained in my brain that every time I use that e-mail and the phrase comes up, I think it would make a great pick-up line. And I mouth those memorable words, "Hey how are you doing recently?" "No, How are yooooohhhhh doing recently?" " "HOW ARE YOU DOING RECENTLY!!!!!!!!!! "how are you doing recently?" " How are you doing recently?"
I got tired of saying it to myself so I took myself and my pick- up line to my local coffee- shop. It had to be a coffee- shop because it is quite clear I have no spare brain-cells to spare going to a local bar! I went inside, it was a common coffee- shop, lets call it Bim Borton and their motto is, Our Coffee is better than Crack! I went inside. There was quite a long line-up, because their Coffee is better than Crack, and I noticed a young lady taking cash and an older woman beside her pouring coffee and putting cream and sugar as was requested by the person being served. I kept getting more nervous the closer I got to the front of the line-up. Finally my turn came and the woman pouring asked me what I wanted in my coffee, I told her what I wanted . Would I chicken out or would my courage rise to the surface.
" One dollar fifty , " said the girl.
" How are you doing recently?" I said.
" Oh " she said, in a slight accent that was barely noticeable. " How are you doing recently?"
" No, " I stammered nervously . "How are you doing recently? "
She passed the coffee the cup to me and gently brushed the back of my hand and said in a loving tone, " How are you doing recently. "
" I am well !" I said.
"Hurry up, will you!!! " came an angry cry from behind me.
" I need someone to help me with my Enleesh," she asked with an urgent, needy tone to her voice.
" I don't speak English . I cannot teach you!"
" This is not a pick-up bar, fellah! " came the same angry cry from behind me!! I turned to leave.
" PLEASE HELP ME OUT WITH MY ENLEEESH! " came the haunting cry from the lady as I walked out of the shop. " HOW ARE YOU DOING RECENTLY!!! "
But it was too late for 'us'. I was now out of the shop and headed home. I should leave my apartment more often I told myself. I might have a chance at the life of a Lady Man , but as my friend Kevin Shute used to say, " Nah!!"
That phrase is so ingrained in my brain that every time I use that e-mail and the phrase comes up, I think it would make a great pick-up line. And I mouth those memorable words, "Hey how are you doing recently?" "No, How are yooooohhhhh doing recently?" " "HOW ARE YOU DOING RECENTLY!!!!!!!!!! "how are you doing recently?" " How are you doing recently?"
I got tired of saying it to myself so I took myself and my pick- up line to my local coffee- shop. It had to be a coffee- shop because it is quite clear I have no spare brain-cells to spare going to a local bar! I went inside, it was a common coffee- shop, lets call it Bim Borton and their motto is, Our Coffee is better than Crack! I went inside. There was quite a long line-up, because their Coffee is better than Crack, and I noticed a young lady taking cash and an older woman beside her pouring coffee and putting cream and sugar as was requested by the person being served. I kept getting more nervous the closer I got to the front of the line-up. Finally my turn came and the woman pouring asked me what I wanted in my coffee, I told her what I wanted . Would I chicken out or would my courage rise to the surface.
" One dollar fifty , " said the girl.
" How are you doing recently?" I said.
" Oh " she said, in a slight accent that was barely noticeable. " How are you doing recently?"
" No, " I stammered nervously . "How are you doing recently? "
She passed the coffee the cup to me and gently brushed the back of my hand and said in a loving tone, " How are you doing recently. "
" I am well !" I said.
"Hurry up, will you!!! " came an angry cry from behind me.
" I need someone to help me with my Enleesh," she asked with an urgent, needy tone to her voice.
" I don't speak English . I cannot teach you!"
" This is not a pick-up bar, fellah! " came the same angry cry from behind me!! I turned to leave.
" PLEASE HELP ME OUT WITH MY ENLEEESH! " came the haunting cry from the lady as I walked out of the shop. " HOW ARE YOU DOING RECENTLY!!! "
But it was too late for 'us'. I was now out of the shop and headed home. I should leave my apartment more often I told myself. I might have a chance at the life of a Lady Man , but as my friend Kevin Shute used to say, " Nah!!"
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Month of Saturdays
It will take a month of Saturday's to thank all the friends who came together and put on a great farewell party for me yesterday ( Friday). It wasn't so much a party as it was an event. It was like a wedding reception but there was only me the groom. There were speeches. Embarrassing stories about me; very much like the speech given by a best man at a wedding. There was cake and balloons, food, gifts and there was somebody nominated photographer. It lasted about 4 hours and mixed with sadness and joy. I am also quite excited about the future.
I will miss my friend's but I will be so busy e-mailing and visiting at least once a fortnight I don't think I'll get too sad. I used to enjoy being outnumbered by women, and every time a man leaves the office by way of promotion or retirement or getting another job they always finish their speech by stating what man in the office is going to inherit the harem. I wisely refrained from using that remark as it is demeaning to women. So, I'll only mention, as my friend Kevin Shute would say, Women are sacred animals in India so you treat them well. In fact Kevin liked the women in our office, he married one but that's another story.
I will miss my friend's but I will be so busy e-mailing and visiting at least once a fortnight I don't think I'll get too sad. I used to enjoy being outnumbered by women, and every time a man leaves the office by way of promotion or retirement or getting another job they always finish their speech by stating what man in the office is going to inherit the harem. I wisely refrained from using that remark as it is demeaning to women. So, I'll only mention, as my friend Kevin Shute would say, Women are sacred animals in India so you treat them well. In fact Kevin liked the women in our office, he married one but that's another story.
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