Asinine Times

seismic shift

2011-10-24T03:38:00.000-07:00

Fairness, justice and democracy, are breaking out every where. Wars are ending. NZ beat France 8-7 to win the Rugby Work Cup. Manchester City beat Manchester United in the Manchester soccer derby by 6-1. Dictators are dying off faster than in WW2. Evil Bin Laden is dead. Barack Obama , the first African -American President of the United States is alive and kicking and still in power. China is , well, uuhhmm , apparently is a very nice place to visit and it has this incredible long wall that crosses a continent that can be seen from space. China, lets face it, was the only country on the blue planet to have the balls to introduce a one child policy, and that , if other countries would do the same that one action alone would truly save the planet...And I am a hypocrite for saying that as I have 3 kids . But in my defense, I took the necessary steps and am now a proud eunuch!

And Halifax Shipyards wins 25 billion dollar shipping contract. Halifax Wins Something. And I know it is really the Irving owned Halifax Shipyards that I boycotted so long ago I can't even remember why, and I once ran out of gas right by an Irving station. I picked up my jerry-can out of my trunk and proceeded to walk to the next non-Irving gas station 5 miles down the road. I got my gas , walked 5 miles back to my car, filled it from the can and then carried on my merry way. And I still can't remember why I hated the Irving's so much I would do anything to avoid doing business with them . Maybe its because they had more toys than me. Or maybe it was because Irving the elder , otherwise known by his alias name of KC Irving before passing away in 1992 was living in tax-exile in Bermuda. After that time, following their fathers example, his 3 sons, JK , Arthur and Jack Irving are living tax free in Bermuda. But it is time to put old jealousy's to the sword. Our Premier, kind of like a
Governor , said this was equal to winning the Olympics every year for 30 years , or was that the Lottery every year for 30 years, I forget. The point is , I don't know why but I did , kinda feel like I'd won the lottery when it was announced that we had won the contract. And I don't say Irving owned Halifax Shipyards won the contract. Halifax won the contract! I won the contract because I am sure some of that dough will rub off on me. Do you remember President Ronald Reagan's trickle down economic theory. I'm sure the same thing will happen with this contract. In fact just a little trickle would be fine by me.

And if those events aren't seismic enough for you, I arose at 4am this morning for no particular reason other than to see what 4am looks like . It looks groggy and I feel sleep deprived and I feel like taking a nap. But I will struggle with all my might to not take a nap and I will stay awake 'til 9pm tonight until I go to bed. I will let you know if I survive.

man gets new song stuck in head

2011-10-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have a piece of music stuck in your head and you can't even identify it? Well, that did happen to me personally. Its even worse if the song is nonsense, makes no sense at all and not even any good. So, I went and got a new song to get stuck in my head but this time I chose a good song. I chose , " Da Do Ron Ron ," by the Crytals (1963). The song was produced by Phil Spector and co-written by Jeff Barry and Ellie Greenwich. And that is enough credit to those people as this is a humour site after all.There is evil intent here of course as I hope to ; not only banish the bad song and refresh with the new good song for myself, I also intend on planting the seed so that all who view the lyrics, even without the music will somehow have this song stuck in your head.

So here it is in its entirety, the lyrics of the song,Da Do Ron Ron by the illustrious and celebrated , The Crystals:Without further delay, here it is: and without further ado and without any further nonsense and waffling about how for instance does a person get a song stuck in their head ? Is it collectively or does this happen on an individual basis? Could it be for example Psychosis or Osmosis , or even Thrombosis, this so- called getting of getting a song stuck in our heads. I have begged the question and am in need of an answer. So, with no further delay about whether the sun is shining or is it a rainy day, here is Da Do Ron Ron:

" I met him on a Monday and my heart stood still

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

Somebody told me that his name was Bill

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

Yeah, my heart stood still

Yes, his name was Bill

And when he walked me home

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

I knew what he was doing when he caught my eye

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

He looked so quiet but my oh my

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

Yeah, he caught my eye

Yes, oh my, oh my

And when he walked me home

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

He picked me up at seven and he looked so fine

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

Someday soon I'm gonna make him mine

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron

Yeah, he looked so fine,

Yes, I'll make him mine

And when he walked me home

Da doo ron-ron-ron, Da doo ron-ron "

Ha ha , my evil plan worked!!!

well that is a relief.

2011-10-12T11:38:00.000-07:00

PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT WAS A RELIEF!!!!!!!

commie plot

2011-10-12T11:24:00.000-07:00

I may be a little paranoid but in my last post I was trashing and mocking Stalin. It was quite a long post and every time I published it, something kept going wrong . It was probably just some kind of electronic thing such as it was raining or maybe because I both sneezed and dropped my coffee just as I hit publish. But , when I viewed my handy-work all the bad things I was saying about Stalin ( meaning the latter half of my entry ) CAME OUT IN GIANT LETTERS. And even bigger than that; I mean giant letters that took pages and pages to read and made it un-readable. Even when I went to extreme lengths to try and fix it the giant letters would not go away. I think it was the first time I ever re-wrote what I had written out by hand. So, I am going to try that again. If I am not successful this time I am really going to wonder. Here it is again:

6 things you might not know about Stalin:

1.     Stalin was proud of the fact that his mustache- ode'd fatherly image that he projected to his nation was
way better than Hitler's.
2. Stalin's ( and Hitler's ) erectile- dysfunction was the real reason for WW2 . And Stalin's erectile - dysfunction took sole credit for the Korean Conflict ( a polite way of saying war ).
3.     Stalin used to enjoy spending time at his dacha where he used to enjoy plotting against his enemies, while
drinking Vodka Coolers.
4.     Stalin had a pet poodle that he named Winston. It was the toy -poodle variety. He taught the dog tricks such as how to beg for pieces of post-war Europe . Winston used to enjoy sleeping with his master . The Kremlin -staff used to joke that Stalin and Winston made strange bedfellows.
5.     Stalin threw like a girl.
6.     Stalin used to boast that he never had to use the phrase , Do you know who I am?

daily devotion to the master

2011-10-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

Well it is October after all, the harvest is in, the kids are just weeks away from trick -or - treating. We are all as stuffed as a goose at Thanksgiving (because it is Thanksgiving, Dumb Ass)! We all give our daily devotions of thanks to Him but I think at this time of year it's a good idea I believe to be really thankful to Him at harvest time because without His bountiful harvest, there would be no life. It is time to give credit where it is due. It is time to give thanks to the man who made it all possible: Stalin!

How ae you doing recently?

2011-10-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

I received a spam the other day ; not the canned-meat variety I'm afraid but but the useless type of spam known as spam e-mail, and the spam-email started with the introduction, " How are you doing recently? " And then it went on to pronounce the quality of some new drug or other or a cure for baldness or erection dysfunction, or worse , malfunction. I was tempted to delete it right away but before I did I wondered where the e-mail from? I was thinking a former Soviet republic or maybe Asia or maybe the continent of Africa. It doesn't matter. I did hit delete but it never totally went away. Every time I send an e-mail on my Hotmail account, that same spam comes up and I have to delete every single time. It used to annoy me but it is now part of the furniture; it is a fixed and permanent thing. And like my friend Kevin Shute used to say, A person can get used to anything!

That phrase is so ingrained in my brain that every time I use that e-mail and the phrase comes up, I think it would make a great pick-up line. And I mouth those memorable words, "Hey how are you doing recently?" "No, How are yooooohhhhh doing recently?" " "HOW ARE YOU DOING RECENTLY!!!!!!!!!! "how are you doing recently?" " How are you doing recently?"

I got tired of saying it to myself so I took myself and my pick- up line to my local coffee- shop. It had to be a coffee- shop because it is quite clear I have no spare brain-cells to spare going to a local bar! I went inside, it was a common coffee- shop, lets call it Bim Borton and their motto is, Our Coffee is better than Crack! I went inside. There was quite a long line-up, because their Coffee is better than Crack, and I noticed a young lady taking cash and an older woman beside her pouring coffee and putting cream and sugar as was requested by the person being served. I kept getting more nervous the closer I got to the front of the line-up. Finally my turn came and the woman pouring asked me what I wanted in my coffee, I told her what I wanted . Would I chicken out or would my courage rise to the surface.

" One dollar fifty , " said the girl.
" How are you doing recently?" I said.
" Oh " she said, in a slight accent that was barely noticeable. " How are you doing recently?"
" No, " I stammered nervously . "How are you doing recently? "
She passed the coffee the cup to me and gently brushed the back of my hand and said in a loving tone, " How are you doing recently. "
" I am well !" I said.
"Hurry up, will you!!! " came an angry cry from behind me.
" I need someone to help me with my Enleesh," she asked with an urgent, needy tone to her voice.
" I don't speak English . I cannot teach you!"
" This is not a pick-up bar, fellah! " came the same angry cry from behind me!! I turned to leave.
" PLEASE HELP ME OUT WITH MY ENLEEESH! " came the haunting cry from the lady as I walked out of the shop. " HOW ARE YOU DOING RECENTLY!!! "

But it was too late for 'us'. I was now out of the shop and headed home. I should leave my apartment more often I told myself. I might have a chance at the life of a Lady Man , but as my friend Kevin Shute used to say, " Nah!!"

Month of Saturdays

2011-10-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

It will take a month of Saturday's to thank all the friends who came together and put on a great farewell party for me yesterday ( Friday). It wasn't so much a party as it was an event. It was like a wedding reception but there was only me the groom. There were speeches. Embarrassing stories about me; very much like the speech given by a best man at a wedding. There was cake and balloons, food, gifts and there was somebody nominated photographer. It lasted about 4 hours and mixed with sadness and joy. I am also quite excited about the future.

I will miss my friend's but I will be so busy e-mailing and visiting at least once a fortnight I don't think I'll get too sad. I used to enjoy being outnumbered by women, and every time a man leaves the office by way of promotion or retirement or getting another job they always finish their speech by stating what man in the office is going to inherit the harem. I wisely refrained from using that remark as it is demeaning to women. So, I'll only mention, as my friend Kevin Shute would say, Women are sacred animals in India so you treat them well. In fact Kevin liked the women in our office, he married one but that's another story.

Generalist Clerk kills self...

2011-09-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

I sometimes don't have far to look when thinking of my next post... I recently sent paper-work to Service Canada . I work(ed) for Service Nova Scotia for 10 years so I have a feel for what government is like so I was a little worried when I sent them my birth certificate along with my application. But a couple of weeks later I received a letter from a Generalist Clerk stating my application was being processed and included in the envelope was my birth certificate, safe and sound. So, I cannot write about in-efficient government. Far from it . So far , things are running smoothly. And I must commend Service Canada for not torturing itself with coming up with more suitable acronyms than Service Canada such as Access Canada. Or even worse, Planet Hollywood Canada.

Although I'm sure in the early days of Canada following confederation in 1867 they must have gone through this process and called themselves institutions like, The Government of Canada East and West, the Province of Canada including the Colonies of New Brunswick and Nova Scotia. Oh yes, we mustn't forget the Dominion of Canada, excluding Newfoundland until 1949. And lastly of course Upper Canada and Lower Canada, which the term Upper and Lower Canadians still use today (as an aside, every town , village , creek in Canada has an Upper and a Lower to it).

I am still wondering what a 'Generalist Clerk' does these days. It's just a strange job title. I should as a dare call Service Canada and ask to speak with a ' Specific Clerk.' I can picture the response, " No , I'm sorry , Sir. You'll have to speak with me the Generalist Clerk first and waste your time before I can transfer you to a Specific Clerk. That's why I'm here !! So, how can I help you? " Nah, that might be a cruel thing to do. I don't want anyone going 'postal' on me and killing themselves just because of me having too much time on my hands!

Wanted! Windmill House - seller desperate

2011-09-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

Well, it is true . I am looking for a Windmill property to live in; meaning I am not looking for a windmill to power my home, I am looking for a home. Also, I don't want a windmill ornament
to decorate my Christmas tree or a souvenir windmill from Holland . I am looking for the real thing. Please readers help me in my quest if you can!

And why the sudden interest in quirky homes you ask? Well for one thing , I have always had an interest in extreme abode dwelling(s) and I have seen people on TV living in strange places , one I remember being a Windmill. But in truth my prime motivation is Jealousy, pure and simple. I remember hearing about a Brit Com writer happily living in a windmill. I looked at my humble abode and, no doubt about it ; not living in a windmill ! So jealousy is my prime motivator!

I looked up windmills here in Canada and there were lots to choose from. Most were in Quebec. Yep, I would even go back to Quebec ( yes, go back meaning I did live in Quebec but for a very short time) but unfortunately nothing was for sale. They were mostly museums now. I've worked for the museum before but don't want to live in one. So, my search has been expanded
abroad. I can't look in the US as I don't think they'd let me stay there, so I will have to search in Europe. In the UK ( I am a Brit by birth but in this usage of someone from that enchanted Isle I used to call home I should use the term UKie but that just seems silly) I did find one for sale.

It's going for around 150 thousand quid..(300 gazillion CDN $'s). So maybe I should put in a bid. Nah, that would take courage. And as I have never bought a house before even at times when I could have afforded one I think me actually buying a windmill very unlikely. But I also think it is about time, high time, tea-time, quality time and high 5 time that I put fear of real estate to the sword and man up and buy a place to live. Whether it is a normal 3 bedroom house or 2 bedroom condo, or a bleeding windmill house doesn't matter. My real enemy is fear! Wish me well in my search of becoming a man and my search for a windmill house abode! Blades included!!!!

the new Charlie

2011-09-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

This post does not even need any description. Everyone knows what I'm talking about.
I thought the replacement Charlie was very good. I was still thinking about favourite
scenes the next day. I did think the show would continue to be a hit #1 comedy on TV
and now I am convinced. By the way I did like the way poor Charlie ended up in a dust-buster.
Although I think that's been done before; just an aside but I wrote a very similar sketch which I
sent to a few shows but no interest and that was about 30 years ago. But I'm not complaining .
It was gratifying to see a similar idea wind up on a very big show. I'll just tell myself I was ahead
of my time.. ha ha.

I also thought the way Charlies character was bumped off by Rose ( pushed into the path of an on-coming train no less because of one of Charlie's 'indescretions'...) Perfect. And I liked the way
Ashley's character was introduce by the fore-mentioned making Alan jump and spill the ashes...

My favourite line had to do with Rose's character. Don't mess with a crazy bitch!! Indeed, and as my friend Kevin would say, words to live by.

Young people of today and have we screwed them!

2011-09-20T07:28:00.000-07:00

Probably. Yes. No doubt. I can relate to young people because I never grew up! Ask my kids if you like. I was just in time for being computer literate, although I struggle with my vocabulary ( which I just misspelled) ( And I just misspelled , misspelled). By that I mean the vocabulary of that Faceache stuff which friends my age refer to so disparagingly.... I'm 3 for 3 this morning . I just misspelled disparagingly. It's no wonder my kids are so screwed up. In truth my kids have turned out very well! In spite of me or because of me, you'll have to ask them. That's what my friend Kevin says about Cuba. " Is Cuba so great because of the revolution or in spite of it. " I digress!

My kids always look at me with puzzled amusement at my lack of computer savvy as well as gadget savvy , printer savvy, hardware or add a gizmo to my computer savvy. I still don't have a ( digital) camera ... In fact I have to pause and try to remember what the term for camera is these days. We, and I mean the Royal we here, call a camera a camera. Instead of what is known as ....... second coffee kicking in......... just called my mother and she doesn't know..... mother called me back after looking at the back of their , digital camera...... Success at last! And nope, my mother is not more digitally aware than me; just the opposite. She doesn't even have a debit card, and she has to go to the drug store with her digital camera to have the pictures developed... When of course she isn't using her 35 mm camera with something known as film!!!

I, on the other hand and by I , I mean the Royal I of course, have this blog for one thing. I just have to remember I have a blog, Note to self blog today, don't wait 2 years ... I also have a digital camera , someone gave me one as a gift. I lost the instructions and interest and the camera has now become a very nice paper-weight. I do internet banking and if I don't have access to the internet I get a panicky sense of , I have no idea of how much money is in my account. And I mean it could be minus $25 to a gazzillion dollars. hmmm Can I buy food today or can I afford a yacht!!! And I wouldn't like to go back to the days of calling someone to have a form sent out instead of simply printing one from the internet. Assuming of course I can figure out how to get my printer working.

So, are kids screwed? Some maybe. But I think mostly we , and I use the Royal we here of course, are jealous of our kids mastery of the digital universe when most of us grown ups are struggling to figure where the 'on' switch is to Microsoft Explore ..... or why I , and I use the Royal I here of course, can't figure why my printer won't print after 2 years of owning some type of printer or other but not actually being able to 'print'. And on the negative side, those young people invented Faceache! Those Bastards!!!!!!! And I will never forgive them for that.

10 years of catholic condom use saves world

2010-11-24T09:20:00.000-08:00

quaker invents tongue piercing

2010-03-02T06:52:00.000-08:00

In December 1656, Quaker James Naylor, grew tired of his drab puritan life-style and decided to, as James himself said, " Jazz things up a bit.."

Maybe it had something to do with the appraching festive season and as a Puritan feeling excluded from the fun or maybe he was tired of being mocked for wearing a puritan uniform You know the uniform of which I speak, the plain black pants, tucked into white leggings, black shoes with buckles , a black linen coat , topped- off by an austere , plain black hat, similar to a cowboy hat except it looked sillier.

Oliver Cromwell , Lord Protector ( meaning Lord protect us from Oliver Cromwell) was the leader for this time period and Oliver , for the sake of the nation had to deport the Puritans because no one could get any work done because people were laughing so hard at them. Mind you , the rest of the country who weren't Puritans took the sting out of their daily grind by dressing to the other extreme meaning they were a bunch of fancy pants. This of course led to many wars; the 1st English Civil War, the 2nd English Civil War & the 3rd English Civil War.

It was in this time period of history that brave James Naylor decided to accessorize his tongue. It was a brilliant idea of course because the puncture would be hidden in his mouth and although he was by trade a preacher , he figured that English people mumble any way so career- wise it was no great loss. Conveniently, the red hot iron poker had been specially modified for the sole -purpose of creating the hole- in- tongue by the good folks over in the Tower of London which was a stones throw away from where James lived anyway.

James was taking a huge risk because the reason he wanted a hole in his mouth was so he could put in a tongue ring. Wearing a ring anywhere on his body was frowned upon by fellow Puritans so he took the risk of being shunned by his fellow travellers. Again , really, thought James, " no great loss. "

Like my friend Kevin Shute said, " I bet that hurt like hell!!!"

I bet it did too, but again if you're the Geek of the Renaissance your used to great pain anyway. just getting up every day and putting on that stupid outfit day would be torture enough for most people; not to mention being mocked, and crowds trying to stone you to death at every turn! Again, no great loss...

murphy's law day

2010-02-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

I often wonder to myself How did our March 13th public Holiday in Hatrack originate? Was it just an excuse to give winter weary Hatracks a day off winter commuting? Or was it to to commemorate the birth of Neil Sedaka, American singer and songwriter, who was born on March 13, 1939. And also, why was it called Murphy's Law Day?

It is not a well-known fact but it was actually invented to commemorate The birth of Russell Beakhouse, who as well as being well respected as a husband , father and landscaper to the Queen he also had the misfortune and bad luck to utter the words, That's Murphy's Law more times than any body else in the entire history of Hatrack.

The reason he held the record for utterances of that phrase were due in part because he had no clue how to use the phrase in its correct form. An example of that error was in the year 1962
when as a 2 year old he was playing with a pair of scissors and did himself an injury to his foreskin and subsequently became the first person in the Beakhouse family ever to be circumcised, uttering those famous words, " That's Murphy's Law Mummy!" Auuughhhh!!!!!

Then there was the time as a young boy in school Russ was asked by the kinder- garden teacher why he was putting a little girl's head in the toilet bowl of the boys bathroom, he replied ,
"That's Murphy's Law Miss Henderson!!!!"

Then a few years later as an adolescent trying to smuggle liquor into the school dance that had an off -duty police-officer checking bags for booze, pot and narcotics. Then just as his head was being forced to the gym floor Russ was heard to comment from beneath a heavy boot , " How did that get there officer? Why, Murphy's Law of course!!"

Another famous incident was when Russ was asked by the Minister during his wedding ceremony with Mindy the age old question , " Why do you have your pants on back - to - front? Russell?" " Murphy's Law Minister ? " replied Russell , sheepishly.

Scroll forward a few years to June 2nd , 1998 , his poor wife Mindy having endured 27 hours of excruciating labour pains , all by herself and then just as their daughter comes down the chute Russ arrives just in time to witness the birth of their daughter, Sarah. Mindy screams at him with all the strength she has left. the question, "Where were you Russell?" and Russ replies with a big stupid grin on his face , " Murphy's Law, Mindy!"

Then, finally, the Nova Scotia Legislature is trying to come up with an idea for a public holiday in winter, apart from Christmas or New Years to bring us up to par with the rest of the country. Russ happens to be doing the Premier's Lawn . Premier Darrell asks Russ why he hadn't put the rose -bush where it was supposed to have gone and Russ replies, " Murphy's Law Mr Premier!"

"That's it Russ !" said the Premier "That was pure genius ! We'll have a holiday called Murphy's Law Day. Hmm, when's your birthday Russ?" "March 13th, Premier Darrell", said Russ proudly ...

And that is how the public holiday known as Murphy's Law Day was invented and we have Russell to thank for it. And all Hatracks should be grateful to Russ for a public holiday falling on March 13th for all eternity.

bleeding hell

2010-02-11T10:50:00.000-08:00

I always thought that the word bleeding is a mild swear-word in the UK but just a word meaning " to bleed, " pretty much every where else...

So, I thought it would be fun to use the word a lot in my book, maybe just to pepper up the language but also just for the fun , an

even more dangerous than a sling-shot

2010-02-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

... so there I was sitting on a park bench on Cunard St trying to get my yack-tracks on. It was a little awkward getting them on but I thought it would be nice to have a little traction and, although it was February it was a mild day meaning the snow banks would be melting slightly leaving a crispy sheen on the sidewalks making it scenic to look at but easy to fall on your bum.

I always have trouble coordinating getting my left tracks on, maybe because I'm right handed I'm guessing because I have no trouble getting the right one on. So, I had the right one on no problems but the left one took 3 attempts and I was actually working up a sweat with the effort as it was like working out with tiny rubber chest- expander's. The third try I was successful but I looked at it expectantly as though it would fail. But it held so I resumed my walk. As my friend Kevin Shute at work said , " I was walking with a loaded spring of death attached to my boot!!! "

I was walking along quite fast , I wasn't in a hurry but I enjoyed the thrill of passing lesser- footed mortals in my wake. I was heading down quite a steep incline, known to Haligonian's as a steep hill!! Sure enough, I was rounding a bend, just as a bus was passing. The bus driver may have been slowing down as we were simultaneously passing a bus-stop. He saw I wasn't getting on his bus and started to pull away . To my right was a kid throwing snowballs just off the path
and he threw a snow-ball at the bus and he shot off a great shot that hit the window with a thump. The bus driver stopped to give the boy a lecture and for some reason, maybe my toe was tingling with anticipation but at that very moment my yack- tracks over-shoe shot off my left boot and like a sling- shot, my overshoe struck the rear window of the bus and shattered the glass with a tremendous crash.

I observed the look of horror on the boy's face with some glee I'm ashamed to say, and I kept walking past the bus without bothering to reclaim my over-shoe and hoped the red-faced bus driver also did not notice I only had one shoe-track on my feet instead of the usual two!!

The Book of Hatrack

2010-02-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

I am going to be doing a big project over the next few months. I've been 'not ' writing a children's book on and off for about 20 years. I've decided to put on a determined effort to get this done. I had the idea I would post something very short on this blog stating, expect no posts for the next 6 months , working on the great Canadian novel. But then I thought why not incorporate this project into my blog .

So, I will start with an overall plan for what the book is in its entirety and then outlines for each chapter, along the way. And the occasional snippet or sample of the novel itself!

Steve

outline for The book of Hatrack

2010-02-04T06:43:00.000-08:00

The book starts with a prologue, perhaps 5 chapters, laying out the origins of Hatrack. It starts in the 1600s. I chose that time period not so much because I had any great interest in the 17th Century but because that time period was the hayday of piracy. So long as pirate ships avoided fortified towns and didn't show their true colours until they were certain of victory then it's easy to understand why these were heady times for pirates. That's quite an easy way to make a living if you can pick your battles. It's no wonder why so many men (and some women) chose that type of life.

I've toyed with the idea of Nfld being Hatrack, as they have a long and famous history of piracy.

Also Haiti ( Hispaneol) is an obvious alternative. Hispaneol is already in the book. It would be hard to write about about piracy in the Caribean without mentioning it.

I get stuck on how to get to Hatrack as it's cut off from the modern world and can't spend their vast wealth in treasure. I , of course though of the standard pirate curse BUT that is such an over- used ploy I decided against it...

Hatrack is basically my version of Halifax NS the way I would imagine it to be in the 17th Century. Although it hadn't been founded yet ( that didn't happen until the 18th C ) there were ships of all kinds, all along the eastern seaboard, and although there were no docks in place it would be easy for a ship to dock in Halifax Harbour and row a ships crew ashore. So, its not a big stretch of the imagination to imagine pirates in Halifax at that time.

I was interested to learn that pirate ships were very democratic places . They didn't need to much of an excuse to kill someone but the world itself at that time was a very cruel place. There were terrible working conditions for most people and no such things as workers rights. So the lure of piracy would be very strong . Also, the pirates crew would split their booty ( no I don't mean bum) fairly amongst the crew according to rank or station, the captain of course getting the lions share. But even the lowliest crew member, whether he be a cook , musician or cabin boy would get a share far more attractive, comparable to what he'd earn as a cook , musician or cabin boy on a merchant ship or the Royal Navy.

My book deals with modern times but the pirates are stuck in the mythical island of Hatrack. They have hoards of money but have the frustraion of not being able to spend any of their ill -gotten gains because there is no way out! So, their society is what I would term a post- piratic society. They are no longer pirates of course because they have no ships but in some ways they have kept their pirate ways. School of course would be very scary because mis-behaviour would be rewarded. It would be a tough job being a teacher. This post-piratic society would be dangerous in all kinds of different ways. There would be no gentlemanly way of settling a score. Duels would be a very common occurence in Hatrack. Also, things like job- safety would be regarded as a very sissy practice so don't expect job safety in Hatrack!!!

I've given a lot of thought about what kind of vehicles they would have in Hatrack. Or would they be still stuck in horse age? I always liked the idea of golf-carts being the main mode of transport.

Maybe , while its impossible to squeeze into Hatrack a full sized car they do have success getting a golf cart.

poster boy

2010-01-19T06:22:00.000-08:00

Well, this is going to be a very revealing blog post today.

I am currently awaiting my fate on 2 things . The first being awaiting the result of a blood test, the other being awaiting my fate by Revenue Canada. Ooh, I know, both topics give

tragic accident avoided with aid from 'meat' grinder

2010-01-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

There was an interesting headline in my home-town newspaper recently that grabbed my attention. " Trapped penis cut free by grinder," Daily Echo,Thursday, January 10th ,2010, Southampton , England. Story by Matt Smith. I must not be the only one who never grew up as it was the most popular story of the day (on website the next day I see it's still the #1 story). I'm going to quote directly from the Daily Echo here:

A MAN who got his genitalia stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by eight firefighters using an industrial grinder.
The heavy duty cutting gear had to be used to remove the three-inch long hollow pipe after medics were unable to release it.
The painstaking operation, which involved eight firefighters, took around an hour.
The drama began after the man took himself to the accident and emergency department of Southampton General Hospital.

I can only imagine what an interesting drive to the hospital that must have been for the poor soul. Also hope he has a car and didn't have to walk or get the bus to the hospital.

The story continues: ( I'd normally paraphrase here the rest of the story, but the story is funny with no need of help from me).

Restricted blood flow had left the man in a state of arousal, and unable to remove the pipe.
Staff there were so concerned that they phoned the emergency services and a crew from Redbridge Fire Station were initially dispatched.
But they had to bring in backup from St Mary’s station which has a fire truck equipped with specialist cutting gear.
A disc gutter cutter, with a four-and-a-half-inch blade, was used to slice open the stainless steel pipe.

I must say, the real hero in this story is the man who bravely wielded the cutter so close to his patients pride and joy. He did the task assigned with skill and aplomb , with-out refusing through fear of a law-suit if he bungled and carved the turkey a little closer to the bone than he'd intended... "Oops, sorry Sir. If I hadn't been laughing so much you'd still have your man- hood intact!!! "

The story concludes happily you'll be pleased to learn:

The man, in his 30s, offered no explanation for his predicament but was said to be “quite concerned and anxious”. He had been given an anaesthetic to prepare for the procedure.
St Mary’s crew manager Adrian Johnson said: “It was a very delicate operation. We did not want anything heating up.
The person who did it deserves a commendation for his nerve and steady hand.”
Meanwhile, watch manager Greg Garrett from Redbridge station added: “I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.”
The man’s private parts were left bruised and swollen.

So, the man walked away with his pride hurt but , as my friend Kevin Shute at work said, "At least he didn't go home with his testicles and penis in a paper bag! "

So, children, today's question is for my male readers, " Have you ever slung your hook in an embarrassing (or painful) place.? " Most men are private about these things ( and rightly so) . I personally have had no more than a dozen such occurrences in my life-time. Hmm, there was the time I schlepped it into a garburator instead of the sink hole.. Um, hmm, let me think. Oh yes, there was the time I schlepped it into my restored 1963 Chevy Corvair exhaust pipe.. Oh God how I loved that car!

hmm let me see. This will be the last one because I don't want to be wrongly accused of being desperate and can't find a girl-friend. Oh yes, there was the 'incident' where I met a transvestite in a bar and I was too drunk to notice that he/she had an Adam's apple.

Here's some wisdom I can share with you. This would be more valuable Here's some words of advice my poor dear departed father passed down to me.

Be wary of where you sling your hook dear son. And also , be especially wary of women with Adam's apples.

Good advice. I get teary eyed thinking about what sage advice he gave me. And now I can pass that advice to men everywhere.

no longer a nation of map readers

2009-12-31T05:48:00.000-08:00

There I am, just getting used to the idea of college grads never having cracked the pages of a novel. I admit I was a lapsed avid reader until very recently when for some reason after about 3 years of barely reading anything, someone suggested I try reading "Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk" and sure enough, it grabbed me and I've been reading novels ever since. I also admit being the origin of the crack of a virgin book spine in 17th C Literature class . I found the class unbearably dull so I barely cracked the book open for the entire semester.

So, I understand these things and am sympathetic towards people who'd rather watch dvds or play video games than read books. Even worse, there I was a college grad with a degree in English Literature , an unapologetic lover of great works of literature and for whatever reason had totally lost interest in reading anything; not even magazines. I did read the paper every morning on-line but that was about it. So, in other words I was sympathetic to the plight of readers lost to the temptation of shiny objects.

During my recent 1 week trip to England, I was driven around by Dave of the NZ branch of my family ( who also happened to be visiting the same week as me) and he referred to the GPS navigational system as a Tom Tom. I had of course heard of this new technology and like I mentioned in a previous post I am used to giving out the postal code where I work so people can plug that information into their GPS so the machine can navigate them to our office. Dave had a Tom Tom in his rental car. He still knew the roads around Southampton quite well because that was where he grew up and where he first learned to drive, AND he's a good boy and visits home more often than me! Tom Tom is , if you didn't know already, the name of the company who invented the GPS. But there were a couple of days, such as a day-trip to see Stonehenge and also a day-trip to his wife's mother's home to a small village close to Oxford where he did use the Tom Tom.

I found the tone of Tom Tom quite reassuring... It was a woman's voice. For most of the trip it sounded something like this, " Exit coming up soon. Take 1st Exit on the roundabout. "

Sure enough, the roundabout comes up, Dave whips through expertly and the Tom Tom is silent again.

Hmmm, I thought to myself. Maybe this is a new technology I can get used to. The GPS system, Tom Tom , Map Reading for Idiots Who Can't Read Maps as my friend Kevin Shute who works in my office insultingly and with derision refers to them. But there have been lots of reports in the media of late telling of GPS guided tours that have gone horribly wrong. Tales of driver's
driving according to the GPS into a pond (oops sorry that was Steve Carell in an episode of the Office). But no there was a real tale of someone who was trying to go down an alternative route offered by the GPS and got stuck in the snow and was stranded for days.

There have been reports of people driving off cliffs as instructed by their Tom Tom . Hmm, must have had lemming qualities. That must have been interesting instructions coming from the GPS:

" Turn right at the next roundabout. Take the next right. I know a better way. Take the next gravel road on the left. Excellent... Now take the next right. It looks like a cliff but it is a secret route to the Magic Roundabout... Have I ever let you down... Please do not hesitate... Well done... Excellent..." Sound of car careening through a safety rail, a few seconds of silence and then the sound of an explosion.

Oh no, this is our new future. If schools stopped music classes because of budgetary restraints you know they aren't going to institute compulsory map reading classes for kids taking driver- education.

There are all kinds of people worried about things like bible prophesies predicting the end of the world, movie's coming out soon preying on our fears of biblical Armageddon, post- nuclear holocaust story- lines, movies about zombie-like creatures taking over the earth; not to mention movies about vampire lesbian's ( ok that one I might go see)...

I personally think our untimely demise will be caused by our own brilliant brand of stupid .

ex-pat returns to uk after 33 years absence

2009-12-23T09:13:00.000-08:00

"Its true", I often tell people who ask me! It's been 33 years since I left England. I left in 1976 after spending 6 years of my child-hood in prison. Oops, I mean the Army. And yes I was in the British Army which means , depending on whom you speak with; I was on our side!!!

I'm sure the first thought that pops into people's minds when I tell them how long its been since I have graced the shores of Britain with my presence is, " I wonder who he killed??"

I hate to be bore you but I did not kill anyone and I have no real reason as to why the heck I left visiting my former home for such a long time. I've never had a lot of money but there's been many times when I was flush with enough cash to go for a trip. Especially when I had higher paying sales -type jobs. I did neglect to tell the Army that I was leaving the country , and had I stayed I would have had to have done 3 more years in the reserves . But I solved that problem years ago when after living here in Canada about a year. I received a letter stating I should have told them my intentions to leave the country but I only would have had to serve in the reserves had I remained a resident of the UK. I guess I wrongly assumed that they could have done better without me , seeing as how I was an ex- bandsman during my service to my country!!!

I had an un-eventful flight. I'd flown many times within Canada in my recent past but I was a little rusty in preparing for the trip. I'd forgotten the effort required just doing things such as applying for a passport , putting aside some money and more importantly, how much money would I need. Planning some places I would like to see, especially as I was going in December; not July so there were no beaches in my plans. I have no fear of flying so there were no issues there; although if the flight gets a little bumpy I do have the habit of checking to see whether the crew are making any Hail Mary's or screaming in panic but again, no issues there. So, I arrived after a night flight that lasted about 6 hours. I arrived very tired and sleep deprived but none the worse for wear. I staggered through the obstacle course better known as Heathrow Airport Arrivals. The customs girl quizzed me a little then she said, " Welcome Home!"

Amazingly, the man who was going to be driving me and my girlfriend to my hometown of
Southampton was there as promised, holding up a sign with my surname on it. The weather was about 6 degrees warmer than what I'd just left behind in Halifax so that was a nice surprise.
" Probably like British Columbia." I thought to myself. " So that's why house prices are so expensive in BC. " We whizzed along in a station wagon of some sort and made great time specially as we'd wisely brought luggage as carry-on and saved probably a half hour trying to find our luggage. Some things I noticed on the way were everything seemed lush and green and also, although we're not talking about the plethora of trees in Canada, and , against what someone had told me , there were trees. And it was a sunny day to boot!!

We were going to be staying at my aunt's house and as we drove into her neighborhood I giggled when I saw the rows and rows of tiny brick bungalows. Then her street in the village ( some might say small town) of Hedge End and it was just as I'd left it.

Turn-offs - rude people.

2009-11-19T11:37:00.000-08:00

I started this posting as a story on passports but I seem to be coming across so many rude people of late that I decided to do a posting about: Rude people: Where do they get off!! But, when I recently applied for a passport I did not come across any rude people so I cannot incorporate that into my story. Thanks for nothing Passport Canada!!!

Turn-offs... Rude people. I often wonder why people think they have a right to be rude. I had a lady today ask me a very simple question. It was very basic like where is the office and the cost of something. It started out bad, she criticised me for not using complete sentences. I don't think we'd even got as far as where you'd normally start a conversation as the only word I'd used was the word Hello. I wanted to say, "Hmm Generally speaking Ma'am ( I use that term loosely), before we start into full sentences I would start off with something by way of an introduction. In this case I say hello, you say something like hello back to me . Then we're into a full conversation and maybe if we feel up to the challenge, then we can start tossing around complete sentences.

Sometimes people like to be babied and I'm now used to the recent phenomenon of people asking for the postal code so they can set their GPS system in their car so they can be guided to our address. But our conversation turned really silly. It went something like, " How do I find the office once I am inside the mall. By the Bay. There are several entrances which one is it? The front one. Which one is the front one? This last one did raise my hackles , as they say, but I tried to smooth them down. I believe there is a drug store near the front entrance of the building. Also, you cannot walk into the mall without seeing the office.

This lady personifies why I'm taking early retirement in July, 2010 .

more swiftly than asparagus is cooked

2009-11-06T05:10:00.000-08:00

How young is too young to baby-sit the father? This of course is one of the burning issues of our times.

On 1 side of the issue are those who believe 11 is the magic number. Then some say, 12 is better. Then there are those who say it depends on how responsible that young person is and that age is not the issue at all. I've had personal experience with this issue. My eldest daughter is now 11 years old. She is very responsible and very capable of looking after her younger sisters, one of whom is aged 9 and the other is soon to be turning 7. They sometimes like to to do kind deeds for me. One day about 3 or 4 months ago they were visiting me ( I am now seperated from my wife ) and decided to make me a pot of tea. So, I showed Julia, my eldest , how to make tea. I said, you fill the kettle with water. Boil the water and then fill the teapot with hot water. Put 2 teabags in the teapot. Stir and allow to brew for 3 or 4 minutes and then it is ready to be poured into the mug. Add 2 sugars and some milk. Stir and serve to your grateful father. I left Julia in charge and I went into my bedroom for a read of my book.

I forgot to mention, I have an electric kettle. Postera crescam laude , we grow in the esteem of future generations. So for those parent's in generations to come, I am relaying this story, bonum commune communitatis.

Luckily, I needed to use the bathroom and when I left my room I could see the stove in the kitchen, with a plastic, electric-kettle on the stove. "Ab irato ," I shouted. I was indeed a trifle irritated by this development. Sure enough; celerius quam asparagi cocuntur, more swiftly than asparagus is cooked, I had a liitle bit of a crisis on my hands.

I ran into the kitchen and saw the plastic kettle sitting on top of the burner and I could see the burner under the kettle burning brightly. Luckily, damnum absque injuria, there was damage but no one was hurt. My kettle melted but it did not catch fire. There was a lot of smoke and I had to open the windows and take them for a walk. It was a long time before that smell was completely vanquished.

I believed at that time it was a matter of, accidents do happen. Errare humanum est, or to err is human but I now think that, on reflection I will let Julia grow up a little. After all: experientia docet, experience teaches. And for those who are not swayed by this story. Ipso Facto, ignorantia juris non excusat, or if you'd prefer the more common phrase: ignorance of the law is no excuse.

waspy tendencies

2009-11-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

I used to carry a fear of latent Waspish tendencies creeping up on me in my advancing years, but someone pointed out to me recently that I luckily have nothing to fear. I have no remaining vestiges of Waspishness. I am squeaky clean.

It was not easy though! I can remember the years of denial. The need to wear a suit- and- tie, even if my job was as a Motor Vehicle Mechanic. I've been casually dressed for several years now but it was a long road to recovery.

When I was born in England, my country had already given up on any ambitions of keeping their
Empire but , in many ways, I was trained and brought up to believe we Brits were rulers of the known universe! As if we were smarter somehow than the poor little devils who were born as citizens of the British Commonwealth countries .You can imagine how being brought up in such an environment could have the result of one turning into a very stuffed- shirt...

Imagine ,the agony of being born into the very epicentre of Waspdom. Being at school and learning completely useless things such as how many pounds in a stone , referring to weights and measures for those who don't know what the heck I am talking about; not pounds sterling. And, speaking of the dreaded pound sterling imagine getting a question like this on a math test:

A shopper goes into a grocery store and buys a goose. He pays 1 pound , six shillings and tuppens hal'penny. When he gets home he worries whether he should have bought the 2 smaller ducks , total wt 3 lbs - 14 ozs . If he went back to the store to return the ducks in his car going at 40 miles per hour , the cost of petrol being 12 pounds sterling per imperial gallon, which purchase cost him the most?

If you are still going through your Wasp stage of evolution I have a deep sense of empathy for you. It's a long road. I do not plan on back-tracking, but if I suddenly have an urge to put on a tie, or god help me, put on a suit . I keep a phone number in my wallet of a special friend who has the same addictive waspy traits as me. And he will understand and be of comfort to me. I'm a phone a friend away from being just like any old wasp. Thank you, Prince Charles!!! He's saved my ass on many occasions.

human/ pig flu update

2009-10-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

People in a high risk category for getting H1N1; otherwise known as People Pig Flu, should get a vaccination . Especially pregnant women. Unfortunately, there are huge line-ups and some shortages of the swine flu vaccine at this time. In the meantime , it has been advised by the health department that

people who don't want to waste their god-damned precious time on a futile search for the elixir of life known as the swine-flu vaccine, should instead try boosting their own immune system by using some time- tried old standards such as :

Licking door-handles.
Licking toilet -seat covers ( Public rest-room even better).
Licking pig balls ( also works for any animal, including human).
Licking your own balls ( not suggested for women but licking their partner's balls should also do the trick).

General cleanliness is also advised and good hand washing practices should be applied. Always wash hands after going for a piss, a shit, sleeping with a prostitute, or, sleeping with a John ( or Henry , name not really important).

If your symptoms include:

Cough
General feeling of Malaise
Abdominal pain
Muscle pain
Swollen lymph nodes
Coughing up of blood
Coughing up of your balls
Severe headache
Fever so high, skin is hot to the touch
the Shits
Nausea
Projectile vomiting
the Chills
Shortness of breath ( and you are not at a dirty movie theatre)
Frothy or bloody sputum
Limbs susceptible to dropping off your body

If you have any or all of these symptoms, do not be coming directly to your nearest flu clinic for a flu shot. You do not have the flu, you have bubonic plague and should not be wasting your local flu clinic's valuable time.

Sex-change -too much government red tape

2009-09-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

Come on. Be honest with yourself. Think very hard and truthfully about
this question . Did you ever think that you were a man/ woman / dog/
cat/ dolphin trapped in a man/woman/dog/ dolphin's body? But the
mountain of paper work involved in getting a sex-change was just too
daunting to contemplate. I have! And I know if you're truthful with
yourself, you'd say the same thing.

I can put up with the humiliation of explaining to my Mother that maybe
her being the strong parent didn't work out so good. I can put up with
having my testicles chopped off and my penis turned into a vagina but I
cannot deal with the Government bureaucracy involved in becoming a lady
instead of a lad.

Think about it for a moment. There must be a form for having your
testicles removed. As if re-arranging my testicles as though they were a flower arrangement weren't bad enough !

Then my Birth cert would have to be changed; also requiring the necessary government form ac/127#***4... filled in , in triplicate. Said form would have to be sent to the butcher who did the surgery, the Province or State I am now residing, and to the federal government would need to
know.

Taxes too would be complicated. Hmmm, I wonder whether that operation ,
which wasn't covered by MSI or Government insurance, would be taxable...
Mental note to self, do not forget to get an official receipt...

Nah, I'd rather keep my balls , and forget my transgender issues until I
can afford a good lawyer!

Mind you, it does give the concept of Organ Donor-ship a whole new meaning on your Driver's licence.

Bulk Condolence Cards by Steve Beakhouse

2007-11-20T14:33:00.000-08:00

I once boarded with a woman who was into that special time of life known as "I'm so old , everyone I know is dying."

She was an organized old lady who would organize her funerals by using a Blackberry. She bought condolence cards in bulk. She had a special condolence card desk where she organise her upcoming funerals. She would then print address labels of the deceased, using a special address- labeler. Then, using a special stamp- machine which she rented from the Post Office, she would affix the stamp to the envelope, painstakingly using her arthritic hands. Then she would toss the completed card into the out- basket. She would bundle cards using elastic bands and ask me to drop off bundle in post box, across the street, on my way to work.

The day of a typical funeral, which often ran to 2 or 3 a week, she would drag her 83 year old body out of bed at 5:00am , get showered. Get out of shower at 5:30 am. Get robe on and have breakfast at 6 am. Start getting dressed at 7am. Finish getting 83 year old body into her best Sunday and funeral dress by 8 am. Get makeup on and comb hair by 9am. Get 1920's jewellery on by by 9am. Get hat on head, complete with hatpin attaching head to hair, by 10am. Get shoes on complete with laces and struggling poor bunion covered feet into shoes with extra long shoe horn by 10:30 am. Have short nap so as to be fresh as a daisy for funeral which starts at 11am. Wake up from nap at 2pm. Shout, "Why the bloody hell didn't you wake me up?" Have lunch until 3pm, go to bed at 6 pm then wake up at 5:30am and repeat the cycle all over again.