no longer a nation of map readers

There I am, just getting used to the idea of college grads never having cracked the pages of a novel. I admit I was a lapsed avid reader until very recently when for some reason after about 3 years of barely reading anything, someone suggested I try reading "Fight Club, by Chuck Palahniuk" and sure enough, it grabbed me and I've been reading novels ever since. I also admit being the origin of the crack of a virgin book spine in 17th C Literature class . I found the class unbearably dull so I barely cracked the book open for the entire semester.

So, I understand these things and am sympathetic towards people who'd rather watch dvds or play video games than read books. Even worse, there I was a college grad with a degree in English Literature , an unapologetic lover of great works of literature and for whatever reason had totally lost interest in reading anything; not even magazines. I did read the paper every morning on-line but that was about it. So, in other words I was sympathetic to the plight of readers lost to the temptation of shiny objects.

During my recent 1 week trip to England, I was driven around by Dave of the NZ branch of my family ( who also happened to be visiting the same week as me) and he referred to the GPS navigational system as a Tom Tom. I had of course heard of this new technology and like I mentioned in a previous post I am used to giving out the postal code where I work so people can plug that information into their GPS so the machine can navigate them to our office. Dave had a Tom Tom in his rental car. He still knew the roads around Southampton quite well because that was where he grew up and where he first learned to drive, AND he's a good boy and visits home more often than me! Tom Tom is , if you didn't know already, the name of the company who invented the GPS. But there were a couple of days, such as a day-trip to see Stonehenge and also a day-trip to his wife's mother's home to a small village close to Oxford where he did use the Tom Tom.

I found the tone of Tom Tom quite reassuring... It was a woman's voice. For most of the trip it sounded something like this, " Exit coming up soon. Take 1st Exit on the roundabout. "

Sure enough, the roundabout comes up, Dave whips through expertly and the Tom Tom is silent again.

Hmmm, I thought to myself. Maybe this is a new technology I can get used to. The GPS system, Tom Tom , Map Reading for Idiots Who Can't Read Maps as my friend Kevin Shute who works in my office insultingly and with derision refers to them. But there have been lots of reports in the media of late telling of GPS guided tours that have gone horribly wrong. Tales of driver's
driving according to the GPS into a pond (oops sorry that was Steve Carell in an episode of the Office). But no there was a real tale of someone who was trying to go down an alternative route offered by the GPS and got stuck in the snow and was stranded for days.

There have been reports of people driving off cliffs as instructed by their Tom Tom . Hmm, must have had lemming qualities. That must have been interesting instructions coming from the GPS:

" Turn right at the next roundabout. Take the next right. I know a better way. Take the next gravel road on the left. Excellent... Now take the next right. It looks like a cliff but it is a secret route to the Magic Roundabout... Have I ever let you down... Please do not hesitate... Well done... Excellent..." Sound of car careening through a safety rail, a few seconds of silence and then the sound of an explosion.

Oh no, this is our new future. If schools stopped music classes because of budgetary restraints you know they aren't going to institute compulsory map reading classes for kids taking driver- education.

There are all kinds of people worried about things like bible prophesies predicting the end of the world, movie's coming out soon preying on our fears of biblical Armageddon, post- nuclear holocaust story- lines, movies about zombie-like creatures taking over the earth; not to mention movies about vampire lesbian's ( ok that one I might go see)...

I personally think our untimely demise will be caused by our own brilliant brand of stupid .

ex-pat returns to uk after 33 years absence

"Its true", I often tell people who ask me! It's been 33 years since I left England. I left in 1976 after spending 6 years of my child-hood in prison. Oops, I mean the Army. And yes I was in the British Army which means , depending on whom you speak with; I was on our side!!!

I'm sure the first thought that pops into people's minds when I tell them how long its been since I have graced the shores of Britain with my presence is, " I wonder who he killed??"

I hate to be bore you but I did not kill anyone and I have no real reason as to why the heck I left visiting my former home for such a long time. I've never had a lot of money but there's been many times when I was flush with enough cash to go for a trip. Especially when I had higher paying sales -type jobs. I did neglect to tell the Army that I was leaving the country , and had I stayed I would have had to have done 3 more years in the reserves . But I solved that problem years ago when after living here in Canada about a year. I received a letter stating I should have told them my intentions to leave the country but I only would have had to serve in the reserves had I remained a resident of the UK. I guess I wrongly assumed that they could have done better without me , seeing as how I was an ex- bandsman during my service to my country!!!

I had an un-eventful flight. I'd flown many times within Canada in my recent past but I was a little rusty in preparing for the trip. I'd forgotten the effort required just doing things such as applying for a passport , putting aside some money and more importantly, how much money would I need. Planning some places I would like to see, especially as I was going in December; not July so there were no beaches in my plans. I have no fear of flying so there were no issues there; although if the flight gets a little bumpy I do have the habit of checking to see whether the crew are making any Hail Mary's or screaming in panic but again, no issues there. So, I arrived after a night flight that lasted about 6 hours. I arrived very tired and sleep deprived but none the worse for wear. I staggered through the obstacle course better known as Heathrow Airport Arrivals. The customs girl quizzed me a little then she said, " Welcome Home!"

Amazingly, the man who was going to be driving me and my girlfriend to my hometown of
Southampton was there as promised, holding up a sign with my surname on it. The weather was about 6 degrees warmer than what I'd just left behind in Halifax so that was a nice surprise.
" Probably like British Columbia." I thought to myself. " So that's why house prices are so expensive in BC. " We whizzed along in a station wagon of some sort and made great time specially as we'd wisely brought luggage as carry-on and saved probably a half hour trying to find our luggage. Some things I noticed on the way were everything seemed lush and green and also, although we're not talking about the plethora of trees in Canada, and , against what someone had told me , there were trees. And it was a sunny day to boot!!

We were going to be staying at my aunt's house and as we drove into her neighborhood I giggled when I saw the rows and rows of tiny brick bungalows. Then her street in the village ( some might say small town) of Hedge End and it was just as I'd left it.